On Busting Old Wives’ Tales

honey and vinegar

 

The 11 y.o.: Dad? What’s in the plastic cup you put on the island?

The Dad: Don’t drink it! It’s a little bit of water with dish soap and vinegar. To kill the fruit flies.

The 11 y.o.: I thought you caught more flies with honey than vinegar…

 

On Jewish Boys

The 14 y.o.: I just saw some boys in the neighborhood with little beanie hats on their heads. What’s up with that?

The Dad: They are probably Jewish and those ‘hats’ are called yarmulkes

The 14 y.o.: Do they wear the hats once they’ve been circumcised or what?

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On Mistaken Missionaries

The 14 y.o: LOOK! It’s a Mormon missionary! By himself. That doesn’t happen very often.
The 11 y.o.: They always travel in pairs. Where’s his companion?
The 14 y.o.: I don’t know. Maybe in the bathroom?
The 11 y.o.: Uh, Big C? I think he’s just an office worker dressed up like a missionary. Unless… he’s an undercover missionary!

Mormon Missionary Name Tag

On TV Shows

The Mom: Whatcha watching?

The 14 y.o.: Arrested Development.

The 11 y.o.: Dogtown.

The 7 y.o.: Dr Phil. 

The Mom: Dr Phil?

The 7 y.o.: Yeah. He’s talking to grown up sisters who were bullied by the oldest sister. It’s a topic I am very interested in. For obvious reasons.

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Image: Eliane Duvekot Illustration

On Puking in the Car

The 7 y.o.: I don’t feel very good. My tummy is upset. I think I need a bucket.

The 11 y.o.: We’re in a car. Don’t vomit inside the car! Step 1: Push the button so the window comes down. Step 2: Stick your head out of the open window. Step 3: Proceed with puking. Repeat as often as necessary.

The 14 y.o.: Step 4. Act like nothing happened.

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On Breakfast in Bed

The Dad: Since it’s a holiday weekend, I’m going to bring everyone breakfast in bed. 

The Mom: What’re you cooking?

The Dad: I’m getting it from the diner. So you can look at their menu online and get whatever you want.

The 14 y.o.: What? Reading? <insert teenage sound of disgust> Seriously? I have to read?

The Dad: Or I can pull up the children’s menu so you can just point at a picture instead.

Howard Johnson Retro Menu for Children 1960s